Episode 1: Unfinished Business

A scripted comedy podcast series! Supernatural Public Radio, or SNPR, is a Peppermint Bottle Production. It's a short-form audio comedy about a local radio station, WKUG99, and its newest reporter, Salem Woods, who has to cover the spooky and the scary.

In "Unfinished Business," our pilot, Salem meets Laurence Schubert, who finds himself still forced to work at a local retail chain, despite being dead for over a year.

Email: PeppermintBottlePod@gmail.com
Instagram: peppermintbottle
Website: https://peppermintbottlepod.buzzsprout.com


Starring:
Matt Demetrides as Salem Woods
Zach Phillips as Cornelius Monroe, Michael, Customer 3
Mark Hawkins as Laurence Schubert
Lisette Mule as Diana K.
Brenna Leary as Customer 1 and Customer 2
SNPR logo by Liz Mince

Sound FX:
Parking Lot Ambience by moviebuffgavin – https://freesound.org/s/428890/ – License: Creative Commons 0
Parking Lot Ambient .wav by brainwaves8 – https://freesound.org/s/216007/ – License: Creative Commons 0
S_Bone_Break.wav by Grubzyy – https://freesound.org/s/422723/ – License: Creative Commons 0
Horror scream (high-pitched voice) by joseppujol – https://freesound.org/s/221547/ – License: Creative Commons 0
Caster chair sound.wav by DanaGarcia – https://freesound.org/s/560148/ – License: Creative Commons 0
Fork scraping metal 6 by humanoide9000 – https://freesound.org/s/328528/ – License: Creative Commons 0
Breaking Glass Sound Effects – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uoxcmsrGu_8 – License: Creative Commons (reuse allowed)
Window Glass Breaking Sound Effect (Royalty Free)  – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zuA9OSDuaLw – License: Creative Commons (reuse allowed)
Breaking Glass - Sound Effects – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kppLDTJ1IvY – License: Creative Commons (reuse allowed)
BEEP (Beep sound effect) – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GvXbEO5Kbgc – License: Creative Commons (reuse allowed)
Angel heavenly choir singing ahhh sound effect – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QBEt0F13RE – License: Creative Commons (reuse allowed)
Crackling Fire Sound Effect | Free Sound Effects – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tdJulaFfjVA – License: Creative Commons (reuse allowed)
Supermarket Ambience Sound Effects / Grocery Store Ambience Sound / Supermarket Sounds / Free – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bz8HnWi2dfI – License: Creative Commons (reuse allowed)

Transcript

You’re listening to WKUG99 public radio, I’m Cornelius Monroe. In weather, meteorology reports indicate tornadoes and hurricanes are joining forces. At the top of the hour we’ll have an interview with a volleyball coach who happens to be deaf. So, if anyone listening knows a sign language interpreter, please let us know as soon as possible. Next up, it’s Supernatural Public Radio. But first, WKUG99 is proud to be sponsored in part by Bob’s Garage. It’s not an auto mechanic shop, it’s just Bob’s Garage. And he’s proud of it. Bob’s wife says he needs more friends, so, come check out Bob’s Garage. Beer’s in the fridge. Of course, also support from listeners like you. Thank you. Today, we’re introducing a new  segment: SNPR, or Supernatural Public Radio. It’s a new beat for  our newest editorial team member.  Joining me now is Salem Woods.Good to be here, Cornelius. Tell our listeners a bit about yourself, Salem. Well, I’ve got broadcast journalism degrees from the University of Maryland and Columbia, and despite my ... I guess ... mystical sounding name, before this job, I had never really taken an interest in the occult. That’s hysterical. At school I actually focused on sports broadcasting, and I did apply to WKUG99 to be the sports reporter, but of course, so did everyone else. Sarah Chesterton, obviously, won out. She’s great. Yeah ... she is ... she is great. Anyway I was offered the chance to helm this new ... untested segment. I’m excited by this opportunity to try something new. But I suppose, someone could ... hypothetically ... say that they were haunted by failure to secure a dream job. You know what else people say is haunted? The Buy Mart on West End Road. I went down there to check it out and met Lawrence Schubert. Here’s his story. I’m at the Buy Mart on West End Road, where I’m told there’s a ghost. However, it doesn’t take much hunting to find this specter. Oh my god, someone help! He’s chasing me! Do you need me to take your cart back to the coral? Laurence? He’s a great worker. We’re lucky to still have him after the accident. That’s Diana K., the assistant manager at the Buy Mart where Laurence Schubert has worked for 18 months. The funny thing? He’s been dead for a year. So, if you don’t mind me asking, how did you die? I was smooshed. You were smooshed? I was napping in the storage room when some boxes fell on me. I’m sorry if this is uh, a uh, rude question but do you really talk like a ghoul? Or did you speak like this before you died? Sorry, no, I forget I’m doing it sometimes. It takes a little bit of concentration to talk normal. Now’s the part where I tell you, listeners  Laurence is terrifying. He’s hard to look at. I didn’t immediately know how he died, but his mangled limbs definitely line up with his account of his demise. Oh, your arm is backwards again. Oh yeah. Horrid cracking sound.Good as new. Does that hurt? Pain is the one thing you still feel in death. Wow ... uh, can you go through walls? Yeah but not if I’m carrying stuff, like, watch this. Laurence demonstrates trying to float through a wall while carrying a box. The box presses up against the wall and topples to the ground. See? Wow, still that’s useful, to not need doors. Do you have other powers? Oh sure, like check this out. I’ve been advised by my producer not to explain the visions which Laurence showed me, as it could disturb some listeners. For context, it was about a week before I could sleep through the night again, and it took 10 days to work up the courage to talk to Laurence. I had so many questions about what his existence meant, but it was tough to keep him on topic. He gave me a tour of his day-to-day.  So ... your body is obviously ... smooshed. Is it the case that when we die and our souls are left behind we’re left in that state? We remain as we were in our final moments? This is the maternity section. We didn’t have a pregnant mannequin so there’s a cantaloupe duct tapped to its belly. We gotta change it about once every two weeks. But by the entrance is where we most often have to move products when the holiday changes. Like as soon as it’s November, everything up front is red and green. Yeah, yeah, right on, speaking of holidays, is Halloween a particular time of activity for spirits? Oh, the primary Halloween material is costumes and candy, so they’re always at the rear of the store, so customers must pass through other products on the way. It’s an old retail trick. Right ... on the subject of passing, do you know any other ghosts? Anyone around here? I don’t really concern myself with the customers' personal lives. Laurence, some kid went number 3 in the legally distinct Scandinavian building blocks toy section. Please clean it up. What’s number three? Beats me. Just do what I’m told. I accompany Laurence to the scene of the crime, and, once again, my producer has advised me to not describe a number three, nor the methods Laurence used to clean it up.All done. Salem dry heaves again. Is there a heaven? Eh? Are you awaiting judgement? Is that why you’re still here? ...beats me. I just do what I’m told. After a while following Laurence around, he gets his company mandated, two-minute bathroom and meal break. He doesn’t have to consume energy nor eliminate waste anymore, giving him what he calls the best 120 seconds of his day. He generously shares that time with me for an earnest chat. So you died. Why keep working here? Beat. I uhh I couldn’t find anyone to cover my shift. But ... that was a year ago, right? Shouldn’t your business be finished by now?Maybe. They just kept scheduling me. Do you get workers’ comp for your demise? Was there an OSHA investigation? Some kind of justice? They said I had to be alive for workers’ comp, but I did get a non pay raise promotion, and an OSHA investigation is scheduled. Scheduled? Yeah, they only have one supernatural investigation officer, and he operates on his own calendar. I reached out to the corporate and regional Buy Mart offices as well as the OSHA office covering Laurence’s region. No responses by time of publication. So this is a known problem? Yeah. When I first died, I went on a subreddit, r slash graveyard shift. I posted once asking for advice. Oh, okay. Any helpful suggestions? Yeah. And? Getting fired. I go onto the graveyard shift subreddit, seeking his post. The comments largely seem to think Laurence is joking about being dead. Those that take his situation seriously do offer some help. One commenter writes, “Homie, if you feel like you’re dead at work, you should quit. If you can’t for some reason, maybe you can get them to fire you.” But that is not the comment that stands out to me. There’s a comment where the poster claims a friend died in his 18 wheeler, and finished driving across the country. It implies Laurence’s situation isn’t as unique as you may think. A link from the comment brings me to an unlisted subreddit for managers of undead retail, trade, transportation, and government workers. The posts imply these fields are full of zombies. Someone with the username DianaBM posts regularly. As a manager, the Diana for whom Laurence works gets a 7 minute bathroom, meal, and conversation break. One day I manage to get a few of her precious seconds to try to connect these dots. I don’t have much time.Absolutely, I’ll cut right to it. Do you think you should be relying on Laurence when he’s been dead for over a year? Laurence, the possum is back. By the garden hoses. I think he likes working here. It gives him purpose. He bit a lady. What can you tell me about the undead managers subreddit? uh, I don’t know. I’m not familiar. Never mind, Oscar got the possum. I found these posts from managers who appear to be sharing tactics to take advantage of so-called undead workers. Not letting their souls find rest. Huh. There’s two possums. I repeat there’s another possum. Do you mind reading it? I’m a mid-level manager at a C level retail chain, how do I keep my best worker, he was. What’s wrong? Nothing. It says, “He was smooshed.” The top comment says the best way to keep workers, dead or alive is to ensure they lose purpose. Okay, Anderson Cooper, this is my lunch break. Why isn’t someone calling animal control? Why haven’t I called animal control? Do you think Laurence has lost his purpose here? It’s hard to say. Can you elaborate? I mean no one’s asking me how it felt. To lose a worker. To have corporate breathing down my back. It took me a long time to get this seven minute break. Then I lose a good worker and what? Who would want to work here? I’m doing everything I can. Laurence is a great worker. Why wouldn’t I try to keep him? Not that I’m doing this stuff from this post. Do you think you and Laurence could be victims of the same circumstance? Maybe indirectly? I guess I hadn’t thought of that. Do you need to get that? I’m like 80 percent sure Michael is just messing around. He’s no Laurence. He steals. It became clear to me that Laurence had not quit because he cared for his colleagues. When I broached the subject of leaving, he finally seemed ready to put himself first. Yeah, I think so. It won’t be easy though, they need workers. They try to discipline you a lot before they fire you. Michael steals, you know. And he’s been here longer than me. So what will you do? Quitting is also harder than it seems. They have to go through this whole process, and it’ll just make it harder on my team. If I get fired, they usually hire a replacement faster. I’ve got a few ideas. I’m breaking all the perfumes. Laurence, quit it right now. Make me. Laurence this is an enormous waste. Wow it smells nice in here. Thank you sir, please watch your step. Laurence break one more glass and you’re going back to sixty second breaks. Oh yeah. What if I break two more glasses. Go home. Am I fired? No. And now we’ll be short the rest of the day, and someone else will have to clean this up. Oh, no, come on. That’s not fair. It’s my fault I I’ll go. I’m going. I captured more of Laurence’s attempts to get fired. Penis. Hemorrhoids. Oh I’m actually looking for hemorrhoid cream, where is that? Aisle 14. As I watched Laurence screaming obscenities, I thought I caught Diana’s demeanor changing as she scolded him. Her attitude shifted from anger, to exasperation, and finally, to pity. Later, in the parking lot, Laurence was keying a customer’s car. Laurence. Ah. I’ve been caught. Sorry, I just thought I’d key this person’s vehicle. That’s my car. Ah. Man. I’m. Sorry, my bad. Third straight day with an early dismissal. Eighty more of these and you’ll be put on probation. Go home. You and I will chat tomorrow. Thankfully, I got to record this chat the next day. Laurence, before we discuss your recent behavior, which has made Michael look like a saint by the way he’s started letting in real possums since I wasn’t giving him enough attention. Anyway. Do you have that media form? Uhhhh? The form? I got a phone call yesterday from the regional office. Your friend here, Salem, has been asking around. You were supposed to fill out a permission form for when you welcome an outsider in for a tour or interview? Employee handbook page 119, paragraph 24. Journalists or unscheduled investigations supernatural or otherwise should have a form signed by the manager permitting their presence on the property. I don’t have that. Sorry, to uh, interrupt. I did identify myself as a reporter first. Right away. This, all of this has been on the record, and I think you’ll find precedent sides with the publication in instances like this. Especially since my story is about Laurence, not the company. Regardless. Laurence here violated company policy. Audio of hijinks over the loudspeaker and number threes in our toy section will look badly on Buy Mart’s brand. I have no choice, I have to terminate you, effective immediately. So I’m fired? Ah. Holy. I’ve been told to ask you not to publish this story. I’ll talk to my editor and producer but, like I said, this was all identified as on the record ahead of time. At no point I was told to ask you. I also have to ask you to leave, and please refrain from using too much to identify the other employees here at Buy Mart, who may not have consented to be featured in the same way Laurence did. I did leave, and, of course, the whispers of the ghost haunting the store have largely subsided. And the graveyard shift subreddit got a little quieter. Last week, when I drove past the Buy Mart, I saw a sign. “Now Hiring.” For WKUG99, I’m Salem Woods, Supernatural Public Radio. That was Salem Woods, our newest editorial member with our newest segment, SNPR. We’re going to take a break. When we come back, Sarah Chesterton will sit down with the deaf volleyball coach of Henderson High. Still waiting on an interpreter or ... it could be one of our quietest stories of the year. Please help. I’m Cornelius Monroe. Supernatural Public Radio is a Peppermint Bottle Production, created by Matt Demetrides and Zach Phillips. “Unfinished Business” was written by Matt Demetrides and Zach Phillips. Starring Matt Demetrides as Salem Woods, Zach Phillips as Cornelius Monroe, Michael, and Customer 3, Mark Hawkins as Laurence Schubert, Lisette Mule as Diana K., and Brenna Leary as Customers 1 and 2. Editing by Zach Phillips, with music by Matt Demetrides. Credits for sound effects in the show notes. Tune in next week for Episode 2 “Moonlight Savings.”