Episode 2: Moonlight Savings

A scripted comedy podcast series! Supernatural Public Radio, or SNPR, is a Peppermint Bottle Production. It's a short-form audio comedy about a local radio station, WKUG99, and its newest reporter, Salem Woods, who has to cover the spooky and the scary.

In "Moonlight Savings," Salem learns more about lycanthropes, and how difficult the changing of the seasons can be on them as they control their transformations.

Email: PeppermintBottlePod@gmail.com
Instagram: peppermintbottle
Website: https://peppermintbottlepod.buzzsprout.com

Starring:
Matt Demetrides as Salem Woods
Zach Phillips as Cornelius Monroe, Chet R., Gringus, and Henry
Rita Padden as Hailey P.
Bradley Myers as Connor H.
Mark Hawkins as Franklin G.
Brenna Leary as Alyssa A.
SNPR logo by Liz Mince

Sound FX:
Chain Sound Effect | Free Sound Effects | Scary Halloween Sounds – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zWqv1G9e6fM – Creative Commons Attribution license (reuse allowed)
Bee recorded individually | Colette by felix.blume – https://freesound.org/s/584154/ – License: Creative Commons 0
golfclap.aif by mattheos – https://freesound.org/s/116769/ – License: Creative Commons 0
BEEP (Beep sound effect) – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GvXbEO5Kbgc – License: Creative Commons (reuse allowed)

Transcript

You’re listening to WKUG99 public radio, I’m Cornelius Monroe. In entertainment, the Golden Globes introduced a new category for this year’s awards: Best 10 minute vertical clip of a movie posted to TikTok next to footage of Subway Surfers. It will replace the Best Actress Category. At the top of the hour: you know that strange smell at the intersection of Wilkins and Gerard? It’s been lingering since last Thursday. We sent field reporter Nate Wilkins-Gerard to investigate. Next up, it’s Supernatural Public Radio. But first, WKUG99 is proud to be sponsored in part by Cracker Jacks. Cracker Jacks: we’re trying to branch out from just being the baseball snack. Cracker Jacks: Eat us at the golf course or something. Cracker Jacks. Cracker Jacks. Of course, also support from listeners like you. Thank you. Today, we have the second installment in a new series we introduced last week: Supernatural Public Radio. Joining me now is Salem Woods. Salem. Good to be here. Tell us more about this new segment, Salem Sure, I’m the new reporter on the supernatural beat, which means I try to delve into the everyday life of the occult and the uncanny. Last week, we had a story about a ghost who worked at Buy Mart. He literally had some unfinished business. This week, however, we have a different topic. Daylight Savings and its impact on a small but ferocious community. Daylight Savings. Twice a year, most of America sees its clocks change by an hour. The impact is at best inconvenient, and at worst, disastrous. Studies have found an increase in suicides, car accidents, and overdoses in the days immediately following Daylight Savings, not to mention the widespread, well-documented mental toll of the sun setting earlier in the day. But for one group, the clocks changing has an entirely different impact. It’s really tough for us. We have to plan for our transformations and now there’s this new wrench throwing everything off. That’s Hailey P., who asked to have her last name remain anonymous. Hailey is a 30-year-old paralegal by day, as well as the treasurer for the LSU. No, not Louisiana State University, the Lycanthrope Support Unit. Seriously, It’s exhausting. I feel like I’m going through my metamorphosis at like 3:30 now. I don’t-it’s like the workday is over and it’s night and I’m transforming. Like where’d that day go? And this is for the whole ing winter? Here’s Chet R. The night the clocks fell back, like, all my friends were like “oh sick man, I got an extra hour of sleep.” Not me. I spent an extra hour doing god knows what. I woke up naked in the woods covered in even more blood than usual. Congress needs to act, forreal. Hailey tells me that the concept of a transformation occurring only during a full moon is a misconception. That’s just when the transformation is unavoidable. You may not know, but every lycanthrope around you is going through an invisible battle all the time. Stress, anxiety, lack of sleep, and the smell of blood or young flesh can set us off. It’s worse for newbies too. I’ve only been a werewolf for like two months. That’s Connor H. He’s been a werewolf for about two months. He’s also a recent graduate from Henderson high. It’s most nights that I lose consciousness. I wake up in the woods after doing god knows what, naked and covered in blood. Happened again this morning. How does that feel? This was supposed to be my gap year.  Connor, who wanted to attend LSU, instead has turned to the LSU. The support unit has plans in place to help werewolves through the transition. People murmuring, chairs scraping, general meeting ambience. Okay guys, thanks for coming. Ahem, first order of business, This is Connor, everyone give him a nice warm Aroooo. Aroooo. Aroo. Cool to meet you guys. Right, Daylight Savings is here. Show of hands; who’s woken up naked in the woods and covered in blood after doing god knows what the night before?Okay, one, two everyone? That’s twice as much as last time. Guys, we need to follow protocol. All right? Have a shadow with you. Buddy up with someone experienced who can watch you or help you fight against the transformation. Okay, next order of business ... people still have not signed up for the bake sale. In an effort to get a closer look at the life of a lycanthrope at this time of year, I spent the full day with Connor So here’s my space. I’m in here pretty much as soon as the sun sets. I put these chains on. So this is your parents basement? Yep. I come in here In his “safety chamber,” which is just a storage room, Connor shows me how he chains himself up. and then basically I just put this Bahama clip around the shelves here, nice and stury. I’m sorry, Bahama clip? Yeah! They’re strong. Skydivers use ‘em, I think. I think it’s called a “Carabiner.” I think a Carabiner is a shoe ... Either way, pop four or five of these on and boom. And that holds you? Not well, no. Hailey, who is a more experienced lycanthrope, has offered to be Connor’s buddy as his body continues to adjust. She’s confident enough to not chain herself up, and after we administer the ... clips to Connor, she chatted with me in his parents’ basement. Is it painful? The transformation? Extremely. It is always painful. And control is completely wrested from you? You don’t remember stuff? It’s not like the Hulk? Like a No, not like a superpower. I wish. If there’s a way to control the beast within I haven’t found it. How’d you become a werewolf, if you don’t mind me asking? Well. I’m actually a werebee. A were ... bee? It’s a common misconception. “Lycanthrope” has sort of become a catch-all term, because the disease seems to have originated with wolves. But multiple animals can be infected and spread it to other people or animals. Huh. So. You’re a werebee. How did that happen? I got stung. I was beyond intrigued by the history of lycanthropy. The different kind of transformations. I wanted to learn more, and Hailey connected me with a man called ... Gringus. The oldest member of the LSU, Gringus shared some of the oral history of the group. My name is Gringus Middleswitch. I am a proud, founding member of the LSU. I became a wereboar in 1745. I was ten years old. Did you say 1745? One-seven-four-five, yes sir. My lycanthropy is older than this nation. Wow. ... wow. So, lycanthropy provides people with an extended lifespan then? Yes and no. Yes and no. How? It’s just for wereboars! I’m special. ...what? So, how many different wereanimals are there? Any living creature can become afflicted with lycanthropy. I once met a werespruce! There’s a different wereanimal for every color of the rainbow. I was married to a wereturtle. She was too shy, couldn’t get her to come out of her shell. Heheheh. all-all due respect, Gringus. Is anything you’re saying true?I loved that turtle. Wonder what happened to her. Okay. Uh, so, Daylight Savings started in 1918, what was it like before then? Oh it was great. No cellphones or TikToks or automobiles. Specifically in regards to transforming? Easier for some to control than others. The thing you gotta learn is you don’t use clocks as clocks. The moon is your clock. And she’s a fickle lady. Moon. Moon. But times are different, people have jobs, obligations. I feel like the modern world is dependent on operating on the same schedule. That’s hard for everyone, even without the transformations to deal with. You know, Greta Garbo was a werehyena. Wish you could hear that cackle. Gringus was tough to keep on track. Not as much of a help as I had hoped. Back to Hailey in Connor’s basement. How do you help someone like Connor? How did you get used to it?It’s just time, like anything. Practice.  He’s got it tough, this is the worst time of year, but it’ll forge him faster . UH Hailey, it’s happening.Oh god, he’s changing already! We didn’t use enough Bahama clips! You gotta get out of here! I’ll try to stop him! I thought you couldn’t use it like a super power! I can’t! But maybe I can give you time to escape. GOI fled from the scene, as I heard the horrible sounds of destruction and torn viscera recede into the background. I attended an LSU meeting a week later. Both Hailey and Connor were there. All right guys, thanks for coming. First order of business, as you may know, Gringus passed away this morning. Either that or he’s missing and that Hyundai Elantra ran over an actual wild boar. Let’s give our oldest living member an Arooo. Gringus always talked about using the moon as your “fickle lady clock.” That’s tough, I know I have a demanding work schedule. How are you guys doing? Who’s still turning as soon as they come home? Any solutions? Alyssa. I bought a UV light that I keep at my desk at work. The guy on Instagram said it helps with your cicada rhythms. And has it? Well, this week, I’ve only woken up, naked and covered in blood after doing god knows what in the night before twice, so. Thank you for sharing. Anyone else? Something that has worked for you? Yeah, Franklin. I asked work to let me come in an hour early, to offset the change. They were a lot more flexible when I initially thought they’d be. I guess I learned it doesn’t hurt to ask. Great advice. I think we could all take that lesson. Someone else. Connor? Not like advice, just wanted to share some good news. I applied to LSU and got in. My dream school. That’s why I wear tiger’s gear. Weretiger? I don’t want to mess with a weretiger, I hear those are bad news. I’m gonna be a tiger though, so I’ll wear what I want. I told you, you can’t pick what animal you transform into. No, I know. Not weretiger. I wear tiger gear because it’s the LSU mascot. No way, Hailey, is that true? I vote to change it. I think it’s kinda tough. Most of the rest of this meeting devolved into confusion over “wearing” tigers gear versus weretigers. Ultimately, they all left with some actionable methods to try to curb the effects of their affliction. I’m honored to be invited to Gringus’ funeral a week later. During the ceremony a man named Henry takes the lectern to say a few words. Hello, my name is Henry, I’m a werespruce. I knew Gringus very well. He fought in the civil war and he did an uncredited rewrite on Casablanca. He lived a full life, as all wereboars do. But he’d want you all to know that just because you aren’t nigh immortal, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t live your life to the fullest too. When I transform, I get stuck in one place.) After the ceremony ends, I manage to chat with the LSU members in attendance about how they’re adjusting.  So, obviously today isn’t about this, but, real quick, if you can all just go around and tell me how you’re doing. I’m serious about this UV light, you guys, my circadian rhythms have never been better. I contacted my roommate at LSU and he says he’s a “furry.” I haven’t heard of that kind of transformation, but the way he described it, honestly, doesn’t sound too different from me. Just remember to pack those Bahama clips. I still can’t believe he’s really gone, you know? I’ll definitely think of him the next time I wake up. Naked. In the woods. After doing god knows what, yeah. How long until we spring forward? Outro music begins. As I leave Gringus’ funeral, I’m overwhelmed by the number of people in attendance. Are they all lycanthropes? Do this many people suffer every time we change the clocks? How often do each of them wake up in the woods, covered in ... well, you know the rest. As I approach my car, I see a small figure approaching the funeral parlor. A turtle. I wonder if it’s Gringus’ ex-wife ... What a strange thought to have. Since I met the LSU I look at every animal I see after dusk as a potential person, struggling through the changes of the seasons, like the rest of us. Just instead ... as a cat or something. For WKUG99, I’m Salem Woods, Supernatural Public Radio. That was Salem Woods’ segment, SNPR. We’re going to take a break. When we come back, Nate Wilkins Gerard says he’s got the scoop on the intersection smell. It’s dog poop. ...christ, what are we doing here. I have four daytime Emmy nominations, you know? I’m Cornelius Monroe. Supernatural Public Radio is a Peppermint Bottle Production, created by Matt Demetrides and Zach Phillips. “Moonlight Savings” was written by Zach and Matt, starring Matt Demetrides as Salem Woods, Zach Phillips as Cornelius Monroe, Chet R., Gringus, and Henry, Rita Padden as Hailey P., Bradley Myers as Chet R., Brenna Leary as Alyssa A., and Mark Hawkins as Franklin G.. Editing by Zach Phillips with music by Matt Demetrides. Credits for sound effects can be found in the show notes. Tune in next week for episode 3 “Good Bones.”