Episode 3: Good Bones

A scripted comedy podcast series! Supernatural Public Radio, or SNPR, is a Peppermint Bottle Production. It's a short-form audio comedy about a local radio station, WKUG99, and its newest reporter, Salem Woods, who has to cover the spooky and the scary.

In "Good Bones," Salem goes on a tour of Marcus and Eileen's new haunted house, discovering the numerous specters that they call roommates. Hey, at least they're not renting anymore.

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Starring:
Matt Demetrides as Salem Woods
Zach Phillips as Cornelius Monroe and Marcus Lloyd
Jen Phillips as Eileen Lloyd
Bradley Myers as Goops and Albert
Lisette Mule as The Twins
SNPR logo by Liz Mince

Sound FX:
BEEP (Beep sound effect) – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GvXbEO5Kbgc – License: Creative Commons (reuse allowed)
whistling teapot.wav by keweldog – https://freesound.org/s/181718/ – License: Creative Commons 0 Sound effect Sink Drain Gurgle – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N_CTGEJscRk – License: Creative Commons (reuse allowed)Cartoon Fall Down Stairs / Popular Cartoon Sound Effect / #cartoon /[Copyright Free Cartoon Sounds ] – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iqw71ZtmRzg – License: Creative Commons (reuse allowed)

Transcript

You’re listening to WKUG99 public radio, I’m Cornelius Monroe. In world news, a shocking report has revealed there was a fourth astronaut on Apollo 11 that NASA forgot about, then covered up. The agency says he’s still up there on the moon and is probably dead, or at least pretty angry. Let’s, let’s check on that, please. Let’s make sure we got that right. Next, it’s Supernatural Public Radio. But first, WKUG99 is proud to be sponsored by free chips at a Mexican restaurant. That’s right. Munch down another bowl of baked tortilla chips and salsa. It’s free. Your entree will probably be here soon, and I’m sure you’ll be hungry for it. Ruin your appetite with free chips at a Mexican restaurant. Also, listeners like you, thank you. Onto the next segment, a new, and increasingly popular one: It’s Supernatural Public Radio. Joining me now is Salem Woods, Salem. Good to be here, Cornelius. We’ve had some growth in popularity, people really respond to the occult. That they do. It’s been quite the journey Who knew there was actually this much horror out there to be had? What do you have for us this week, Salem? There’s a lot to be afraid of out there. The economy, climate change, ghouls. But what’s the most frightening of all? ... The economy. I spoke to a couple that had struggled to find the right housing, until they made a brave choice about where to plant their roots. There are dozens of millennials that own property. But for the millions that don’t, creativity has been key. I had 8 roommates. My share of the rent was $1700 a month. With 8 roommates. Half of us slept in the same bed like those grandparents in Willy Wonka. That’s Marcus Lloyd. He’s never come close to having a mortgage. But, he eventually got engaged to Eileen Lloyd, no relation ... yet. She was one of his room- and bed mates. They decided they were ready for their own place. We always wanted our own place before we got married and like. Like student loans and everything have made it super hard. Our options were super limited. Even though we make good money it’s just ... so much debt. When they couldn’t find a place that was nice or affordable, they knew it was time to compromise. Marcus and Eileen decided to try looking for a fixer upper. That didn’t work either. ing house flippers. Like. We’d see a place go on the market that looked like literal and it’d get pulled off and put back on in a few weeks for like double. It was nuts. Only one option remained. This is it. Home sweet home. Watch your step, and here’s a flashlight. A flashlight? It’s broad daylight? The lights don’t work. Well ... sometimes they work. But they flicker. I’m touring Marcus and Eileen’s home on Asmodeus Avenue. It’s the last house on the left. The wood siding is falling off, the grass in the lawn is all brown and dead, the trees have no leaves – even in the summer – and all of the windows are broken. Marcus and Eileen own a haunted house. So, how long have you known it was haunted? Oh, right away. Oh yeah, they listed it that way. “Humble colonial home, charming neighborhood. Haunted by numerous specters. Good Bones.” We thought they meant it like it was a fixer upper but was a good structure. No. They meant good bones. Yeah, there they are. Oh those are ... literal bones. Yep. When we clean ‘em up, they just come back. So, it’s not like a story. Not a neighborhood rumor. This house is haunted? The grass won’t grow. We’ll fix something and it’ll just break the next day. The other day, Marcus uh I took a shower and it was all blood. Yeah, yeah. Bloody shower. What else? What else? What else, there’s more? I mean, we got a pretty good deal on the mortgage. About what we were paying for rent. Little more. Plus HOA fees. Wow, and you guys ... like it here? I mean, does anyone love where they live? It’s a place to hang your hat. And honestly, there’s other places like it. We were looking at that house, where was it? 666 Darkwood Drive. Right! Still on the market! Surprised no one has snatched that up yet! The tour continues, as Marcus and Eileen take me from their foyer into the kitchen. Marcus! The thing is going again. Man, this thing just goes and goes. Wish it actually made tea though. Nope. Just green goop. Let’s see. Original flooring in here. Ugh, sorry! Sometimes the cabinets just open and close on their own! It won’t last much longer. Is it hard to sleep? Oh yeah! The fridge didn’t open. What’s in here? Wait no!) I’m not sure how to explain what I saw in the fridge, but I supposed it’s best described as a goop monster? Eileen and Marcus call him Goops. Goops is kind of like a pet? Sorry he made that horrifying face and covered you in goop. He doesn’t like new people. I’d offer to do your laundry, but the detergent is just blood. You can’t buy more? Well it always turns to blood. Everytime. We’ll make sure Goops stays in the 

fridge.I don’t know why he runs away! He loves it in there! So Goops came with the house? One of the many conveyances. The  jacuzzi full of brown sludge,  Goops, Albert. Albert? Good evening, sir. Sorry. Welcome, I do apologize for  floating through the wall  unannounced. May I take your coat? Albert, you know you can’t hold stuff. Very good, ma’am.  Albert accompanies us as the tour  continues. So, this is the living room. Kind of ironic, since there’s more bones I trip over bones in the doorway. Some natural light peeks through the boarded up windows during the day, which is nice. Of course the fireplace doesn’t work. Careful by that discolored spot on  the floor. Sometimes one of us gets briefly possessed in here and speaks in tongues ope. Yeah., usually passes after a few minutes. Babe, get him some ice, in case he 

bites his tongue. On it Don’t let Goops out. I know not to let Goops out, you don’t have to say. Well, I’m just saying. Thursday  night you went for a beer. He. Tricked. Me. How many times do 

I have to say it!? Right! And that’s fine I’m just saying don’t let Goops trick you again. Whatever. That ... happens a lot? No, not a lot. Like eight, nine times a day. Sometimes more. I’ve only seen the entryway, kitchen, and living room, and it’s already a nightmare. Marcus and  Eileen know it.  It’s a lot to get used to, sure. But there’s good stuff about it too, the neighborhood, and if you look. Ugh, not again. Anyway. It does have its quirks, yes. It’s a lot. But it definitely beats our old roommates. Thank you, ma’am. You okay? Yeah. Sorry. Albert is a great butler, even when he can’t touch or hold physical objects. One time he took over my physical form and filled me with an awful chill and made me dust the house. Oh my God. At first it was scary, but then I 

played Harry Belafonte and it was fun, we like to have fun. That’s interesting, I actually met 

a ghost a few weeks ago who could hold things. How does it work for you, Albert? Do I hear the kettle? I don’t hear it. There it is. Viscous green liquid anyone? No, Albert. Never. Very good, ma’am. Marcus and Eileen lead me upstairs. ...where there are more bones. I actually don’t mind the carpeting here. It’s got a nice bloodred color. But it’s splotchy and white around the edges. Ah What the Do you wanna play roblox with us? Ah, these are the twins that live 

upstairs. We see them most days. They have up-to-date references but they dress in Victorian attire. Hi ladies. It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem, it’s me. So, they just say modern sounding 

things? Yep. I saw them reading “A Court of Thorn and Roses” the other day. Wow! That’s way above their reading level. Nice job, ladies. Goops got out. Marcus? He tricked me. Oooo I’m in the vents! Goops? Gooooops! Wanna come back to the fridge, baby? We can get you some bugles and some chobani. What happens if Goops is out? What does he do? He turns the thermostat way up, leaves on all the lights, turns on all the faucets. Drives our utility bill through the roof. Goooops? Goops? Last time he ate the neighbor’s dog. AND the neighbor.

 Isn’t that worse than the utilities? Ah!! Grab ‘em! No two hands, there you go, ah! He’s so slippery! Catch Goops if you can, baybee! A chase ensues. I follow Marcus and 

Eileen as we begin searching for Goops. We come to a hallway full of doors and what proceeds is what the homeowners call “Scooby Dooing.” I’ll open one door, and it’ll lead back into the hallway on the other side. I’ll chase Goops to a door, he’ll close it, I can’t open it up. I chase him through another door, it takes me to a different room that he isn’t in.  I’ll run through one door chased by Goops, then comically remember I’m chasing him, and we have a humorous moment where I turn around, shake my fist as if to say “why I oughtta,” and begin chasing him again. I open one door and stumble into the twins playing Minecraft. They turn simultaneously and I see they’re eating from the promotional Dune 2 popcorn bucket. In the end, Goops goops me, I slip, fall, twirl, and land in Albert’s arms. He enters my body, and I feel a terrible chill take over me asI turn off all the  lights and appliances Goops has disturbed, then vacuum the den. This all takes about 4 hours. I had to swap out the battery packs in my mics. When I did, I sat back down with Marcus and Eileen. Eileen, Marcus, earlier, you had mentioned similar houses like this.  

Do you really expect anyone else to feel the same way about a house like this? I understand it’s a challenging time to find affordable housing, but this is borderline unlivable. Maybe for them, but not for us. Maybe it’s your nightmare, but having our own slice of hell ... it’s our American Dream. Aw, babe, I like that. can I get a soda? On it. Want anything Salem? I’m good, thanks.

 Don’t get tricked. I’m not- Oh my god. I’ll be honest, I don’t get it, but it seems like you’ve really made it a home. I guess I commend you for that. Thanks. No place is perfect, but  He tricked me! I’m sorry! I’m sorry, I’m not doing this again. I leave, trying to avoid going through this debacle again, but Albert possess me by the door. I end up raking the leaves and ironing Goops’s Allen Iverson jersey, which angers him as the wax numbers melt on it. It’s an ordeal. But hey, that’s real estate. For WKUG99, I’m Salem Woods, Supernatural Public Radio. That was Salem Woods’ segment, SNPR. We’re going to take a break. First, a correction on a previous story; there wasn’t a fourth NASA astronaut on the moon, there was an 

abandoned NSA agent in Cancun, is that right either? I don’t know how any of this is making it to  air.Don’t know how that made it to air. Let’s get it together, people.  I’m Cornelius Monroe. Supernatural Public Radio is a Peppermint Bottle Production, created by Matt Demetrides and Zach Phillips. “Good Bones” was written by Zach Phillips, Starring Matt Demetrides as Salem WoodsZach Phillips as Cornelius Monroe and Marcus LloydJen Phillips as Eileen Lloyd Bradley Myers as Goops and AlbertLisette Mule as The Twins.Editing byZach Phillips with Music by Matt Demetrides. Credits for sound effects can be found in the show notes. Tune in next week for episode 4, career revamp.