Episode 4: Career ReVamp

A scripted comedy podcast series! Supernatural Public Radio, or SNPR, is a Peppermint Bottle Production. It's a short-form audio comedy about a local radio station, WKUG99, and its newest reporter, Salem Woods, who has to cover the spooky and the scary.

In "Career ReVamp," Salem does a profile on Alan, a vampire who's turned to the gig economy to support his lifestyle.

Email: PeppermintBottlePod@gmail.com
Instagram: peppermintbottle
Website: https://peppermintbottlepod.buzzsprout.com

Starring:
Matt Demetrides as Salem Woods
Zach Phillips as Cornelius Monroe and Henry
Mikey Fiocco as Alan
Lisette Mule as Jessica
Mark Hawkins as A-hole Driver
SNPR logo by Liz Mince

Sound FX:
Car Door with running engine by NachtmahrTV – https://freesound.org/s/553182/ – License: Creative Commons 0
Driver window down - Suzuki.wav by LOVEBURD – https://freesound.org/s/329610/ – License: Creative Commons 0
Video Game Slap.mp3 by Razor5 – https://freesound.org/s/453143/ – License: Creative Commons 0
video_game.mp3 by NeoSpica – https://freesound.org/s/419113/ – License: Creative Commons 0
Door Buzzer - Sound Effect | Free Download HD – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pH3u58ASyFg – License: Creative Commons (reuse allowed)
walking-up-down-marys-stairs-keys.aif by joshs – https://freesound.org/s/140385/ – License: Creative Commons 0
Car Sudden Breaking | Sound effect | MP4 | Copyable – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=quVpPk2_RyI
endless music | music for game by leha100600 – https://freesound.org/s/476624/ – License: Creative Commons 0
No Copyright Music For Streaming - Twitch Music No Copyright – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5t0EK9tg5wo – License: Creative Commons (reuse allowed)

Transcript

You’re listening to WKUG99, public radio, I’m Cornelius Monroe. At the top of the hour we’ll have a four hour mix of chill lofi beats sampling episodes from Season one of the Fairly OddParents. Next up, it’s Supernatural Public Radio. But first, WKUG99 is proud to be sponsored in part by The Coalition for Olives. Olives. We know you buy us merely as a garnish for your charcuterie board, and then just toss the full bowl at the end of the night. But hey, Olives! We’re salty and delicious. Olives. Put us in your martini: Olives. Of course, also support from listeners like you. Thank you. If you’re just tuning in, you’re right on time for our most popular new segment: Supernatural Public Radio. Joining me now is Salem Woods, Salem. Glad to be here. Salem, what aspect of the underworld do you have insight on this week? Cornelius, believe it or not, many of my supernatural sources ... are surprisingly human. Music volume increases slightly. In this modern world, what were once deemed as “monsters” are now, in truth, neighbors. Citizens. Coworkers. I spoke to one such person: Count Dragoscovich, or, as he prefers now, Alan. Alan is a vampire who’s resorted to some interested methods to keep his lavish lifestyle. Okay, check, check. Set up? Comfortable. Yes, very good. Great, and just for my own editing, can you say your name and title. No problem. I am Count Ilexi Dragoscovich, but these days I am known as Alan.  And how old are you? Four hundred and sixty. Well ... Four hundred and sixty in March. My subject this week is Alan. He has pale skin, deep red eyes, dark hair, sharp teeth and pointed fingernails. He’s tall. He’s charismatic. He’s ... frightening. He’s lived in the states for a few centuries after emigrating from Eastern Europe. When he first came here, he brought his wealth with him. I had what was equivalent to a few hundred million dollars. Which I have discovered could not last me forever. I burnt through it faster and faster. Why not put it in a bank? Or invest some of it? Uh DOI! They are all open during the day! Alan explains his monetary situation to me a few times, and, to be frank, I don’t follow how his centuries of wealth don’t continue to support his lifestyle. Especially when he has relatively little in terms of expenses. But, I’m here to listen. So how do you support yourself now? I have what they are calling “the side hustles.” Nuh uh. Like what? Door Dash, a-Grub a-Hub, Insta Cart, Uber, and Lyft! I love the applications! He offers to have me ride along with him one night while he does his side hustles. I accept. Once the sun sets he’s delivering orders left and right. Gah, this pasta has garlic I can smell it blech. Roll down the windows. So, you can handle being close to the garlic? For short periods. It’s like being too hot or too cold. Or when someone farts in the car. Unpleasant, but what is there to do? Yeah. Eh-good evening, Henry? Yeah. I am here with your Dashed Door. Would you like to invite me in? This always happens.Hello. May I come in? The thing didn’t work? No, I think it works. I just need invitation.Deep breaths, Alan. Dude. the thing is working are you coming in or not? I don’t know!!! Can I?! YES dude.5a. 5B. 5c. Henry? Yeah. What the hell was that about? You will give me a good review and a generous tip! I will give you a good review. And a generous tipVery good, AHAHAHAHA, Ope! I need picture for app. Next up, Alan heads to a nearby supermarket for an Instacart order. I follow him, trying to learn more about him and his lifestyle. So, 460 years is a long time. How do you view time? Like what is a day to you? Ach, they said no blueberries, now yes blueberries. Sharon, you are all over the place. I hate when they don’t give me the substitutions! Do you drink people’s blood still? You don’t care about answer. I don’t care. Listening back now, it’s pretty alarming the way he hypnotized me out of getting the response. That wouldn’t be the last time. Luckily in my years at journalism school I learned to always keep a curious mind. I shook it off and followed with another question. With your immortal life and hypnotism powers, shouldn’t the idea of money kind of be blasé to you? Hardly an inconvenience? Anti-fungal cream. Anti-fungal cream. Don’t see it. Don’t see it. Anti-fungal where are you-ah! There it is. Sharon, brave of you to list a medical need. I feel like I know you. . Surely, an all-powerful being shouldn’t have to result to the gig economy. Not to say there isn’t value in these jobs, but they’re demanding and often thankless. Why subject yourself to it when you have so much at your fingertips? I’ll tell you what’s at my fingertips, Poke a Man Cards! These aren’t for Sharon, these are for Alan! A little treat! After delivering to Sharon, Alan drives downtown, hovering near the bars to take folks home as an Uber or Lyft. Do other vampires do this? Eh no. Not many vampires are ... still around. Those that are have very many followers so, no need for a-Grub a-Hubbing. Oh. It is lonely experience. It’s been harder for us, since the obsession with technology. Harder to gain followers and thralls to do our bidding. Harder to control power and wield it over mortal men. Harder to kill and claim-ope! Here we go. Uber for Jessica? Yeah, Alan? Yeah. Sour patch kids and aux cord in backseat. I explained the situation to Jessica, and she consented to me continuing to record. We drove for about fifteen minutes, before an SUV ran a red light, nearly T boning us. I don’t waaant to be doing the dirty works any moooore. Woah woah woah woah! Oh my God! Hey! What the heck hell my man? Why don’t you watch where you’re going, Bela Lugosi. What a reference. I handle. Oh, you wanna go nosferatu? Oh my god. What is he doing. What the heck!? Once again, not sure how to describe what Alan did, but shadows collected around him and began attacking the SUV, at which point, it sped off, and when Alan turned back, his visage was not that of an Uber driver, singing Steely Dan, but that of a monster. It rattled me and Jessica. Sorry about delay. We go. You just. You’re a monster. You wait, do you kill people and drink their blood? Of course, you You both are calm and not afraid. Oh totally. My followers won’t believe this. Hey guys! Craziest thing just happened, so I’m like, in my uber right? And this guy cuts us off out of nowhere. I notice Alan looking curiously into the rearview. Well, I notice his eyes looking up, I couldn’t see his reflection in the rear view. When we drop Jessica off, he has questions. What was with the phone and the story? She’s probably trying, maybe succeeding, to be an influencer. Influenza... No. In-flu-en-cer. She was talking to her followers. Followers! And she is very powerful for having the many followers? I suppose, in a way. And she just talk about her? “Hey this just happen to me,” and people follow? Some people do that. Some people make recipe videos or review music. Some people film themselves uhhh, opening Pokemon cards, for example. People will watch anything. Anything. Very interesting. You will help me! I will help you! I am done doing all the dirty works. All doooone. I return to Alan’s gothic home, where I help explain various social media platforms to him in exchange for more answers about his lifestyle. At the height of your power, how many followers did you have? Ehhh, thousands? Thousands. Thousands! Is that normal for most vampires? I would say I was ehh, upper middle class for the time. And were these followers vampire spawns? Or humans you charmed? Little column A, mostly column B. I do fear, perhaps, my ultimate peak of power is long, long in my past. I am an old man passed his prime. And all the stuff from the books and movies? Like, wooden stake through the heart, garlic, mirrors, invitations in, obviously some of that has rung true. Is there more? Or any inaccuracies? No fiction mentions that vampires are very good at horses. I’m sorry? It is okay, I know it is not your fault. Bram Stoker left out how good we are at horses. I believe it was jealousy. Alan then hypnotized me into helping him with TikTok and Instagram. His posts were mostly misguided at first. So I hit go live? Okay. Helllooooo world. You are getting veeeery sleeepy. It appeared his powers were much weaker through the screen, but I think he found a new passion, because he threw himself at learning the algorithm. When I returned the following night, he was surrounded by discarded Pokémon card sleeves. Here’s some audio from one of his posts. Okay, flip, let’s see. Furret. Burmy. Brock’s Bravery. Grass Energy. Ok, here we go. Holographiic ... Orbeetle. Solid. Still on the hunt for Chairizaird. He expanded his TikTok and Instagram posts to include day-in the-life videos. Hello, my name is Alan, I’m a 460 year-old vampire and here’s everything I do in a day. First I wake up dark and late with my 7:30 p.m. alarm. I do my stretches. I transform into a bat and flutter around my house. Then it’s to the 24 hour gym, where I sit in the sauna for an hour just to pretend I know what warmth feels like. Then I fly around the city and find good perches to take my selfie of the day. Next, it's hypnotizing young virgins into my uber so I can drain them. I head home, and take a bath in the chamber of lost souls. Finally, it’s 6 a.m., so I return to my coffin for my restful slumber. Within four days, Alan was one of the top 10 twitch streamers. Left, two guys on the roof. Pushing. Pushing. I’m going ground floor. Oh crap there’s three of them. Ok got one. Headshot nice. Boom. That’s it. He’s outside ... he’s outside! Tree. Tree. Tree. Tree. VICTORY! AT LAST HAHA MY ENEMIES KNOW THEIR DOOM. Thank Kyle23 for the six months. Chances are, someone you know follows @UsernameAlanVamp on TikTok, Instagram, or Twitch. His presence has ballooned into the thousands of followers, and he has multiple endorsements to support his channels. His meteoric rise to fame happened so fast, a profile of him appeared in Entertainment Weekly before we could edit this episode. Titled “Cult Hit, inside the home of the vampire parody influencer,” it detailed Alan’s life, leaving out quite a few details, including his true nature. Although I suspect, based on some of the language in the piece, I’m far from the only journalist hypnotized by Alan without realizing at the time. Either way, despite his fears, it appears the height of Alan’s influence was far from behind him. For WKUG99, I’m Salem Woods, Supernatural Public Radio. That was Salem Woods with SNPR. Coming up, Timmy is an average kid, and no one understands. The next four hours of music you’re about to hear was made by my nephew on his computer. Please donate. I’m Cornelius Monroe. Piano Music over credits. Supernatural Public Radio is a Peppermint Bottle Production, created by Matt Demetrides and Zach Phillips. “Career ReVamp” was written by Zach Phillips. Starring TK as Salem Woods, Matt Demetrides as Salem Woods Zach Phillips as Cornelius Monroe and Henry Mikey Fiocco as Alan Lisette Mule as Jessica and Mark Hawkins as A-hole Driver Editing by Zach Phillips and music by Matt Demetrides.Credits for sound effects can be found in the show notes. Tune in next week for episode 5, Body Builder.